And the ironic thing is: Of all butts, mine should be relatively pain free. Because let’s not kid ourselves here. All butts are NOT created equal.
Sir Mix-A-Lot wrote a Grammy Award winning song about my butt. It’s the one that usually gets everybody on the dance floor. Baby….Got….Back.
I wasn’t always this open about discussing my derriere. I used to be very shy about the amount of junk in my trunk. For a petite Caucasian girl, I’ve always thought that my behind was a little too bootylicious (for ya babe). Therefore, I would always try my best to conceal my backside.
In my earlier days, I would tie long sleeve t-shirts around my waist. I’ve worn my fair share of oversized sweaters and elongated jackets. Way before Spanx were invented, I bought these god-awful, uncomfortable girdle-type of life-sucking spandex underwear to hopefully make my rear disappear. And I’m sure I still have them in a drawer somewhere.
Then after a long conversation with a good friend of mine (a self proclaimed “butt man”, if you will), he quite bluntly said, “If Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez can make millions off of their butts, why are you keeping yours hidden from the rest of the world? LET IT BE FREE!”
By no means do I want to draw more attention to my rump-a-dump-dump. But after really giving it some thought, I have come to the conclusion: If people don’t like it, they don’t have to look at it. And with that new mantra, I guess I’m a little less self-conscious.
After all, Trace Adkins sings about badonkadonks and the crowds go crazy. Juvenile encouraged everybody to 'Back That Thang Up' and we all did. KC & The Sunshine Band advised all of us to shake our booties. In fact, I’ve heard quite a few times that you should shake what your mama gave ya! (However, my mom has a small fanny, so I’m not sure where I got mine.) And certainly let’s not forget, Fat Bottomed Girls are supposed to make this rockin’ world go round.
That all being said, I cannot understand how someone with the level of padding that I must possess in the rear department can feel like this right now. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ONE BUTT TO HURT THIS MUCH?!?!
I went for my first bike ride of the season and there are places in my butt that hurt so badly, that sitting down sends lightning bolts rocketing up my spine. In fact, I’m hovering above my computer chair right now because I physically CAN’T place my bum anywhere near a seat.
If we can do things like deposit checks and order pizza from our smartphones… and we can navigate and GPS our way through the globe by pinging satellites off of each other….and Liam Neeson can find anyone anywhere in the world in the span of a 2 hour movie….
Why, for-the-love-of-god, can’t someone come up with a comfortable bike seat?
And yeah, yeah… I’ve tried the cushions, the gel-infused covers, and the enlarged seats that look like they belong on a John Deere tractor. Yet with all of this, I still end up with pain in my posterior every single spring.
If someone with my caliber of cushion already built-in experiences this much agony in their arse, I can only imagine the level of discomfort of someone with a tiny tushie.
So as Nelly, P. Diddy, and Murphy Lee sing through my speakers saying to “Shake Ya Tail Feathers”, I think I will. I mean, why not? I sure won’t be sitting on them. At least not for a few more days.